An Interview: Scars Photo Project w/ Valerie Anselme

(Photographs added soon!)

When I was 21, I participated in a photography project initiated by my friend and fellow Christian, Valerie Staja Anselme. She wanted to record what people thought of as 'flaws' and then create a space where those standards could be redefined- or at the least, discussed. Here are some questions she asked me, and my answers. Later, I also added a poem to my submission- that I'd written when I self-harmed through cutting.

Valerie Anselme: What is your definition of beauty?

Elizabeth Auguste: For me, beauty is defined primarily by what's within. Someone or something that is beautiful inspires, and shines with a light that cannot be dampened. Outer beauty fades, so the true journey for me is learned how to stay beautiful on the inside.

Valerie Anselme: What is your flaw?

Elizabeth Auguste: Although I try not to think of them as my flaws, these photographs are focused on my scars from cutting. I was diagnosed as Bipolar II a some years ago, and have battled with some pretty heavy depression and anger. My self-esteem was in the toilet, and I had a lot of pent up tension that I didn't know how to release. Half of the time I felt everything all the time, and the other half, I was numb. Cutting released the tension, and made me feel something- even if the "something" was pain. Clearly, it's not the healthiest way, but at the time it was all I knew. I know now (through years of therapy), how to free that tension in healthier, more productive ways.

Valerie Anselme: How do you embrace your Flaw?

Elizabeth Auguste: To be honest, I'm not fully there yet. I still have trouble showing my arms in public. Most people assume it's a religious thing, and while that is part of it, it's more so because I am not comfortable yet with having to explain my scars every time someone gets a glimpse of them.

But I'm trying to change my perception of them, and other peoples' as well. Now, when I get the chance, I try to educate people about what Bipolar Disorder has meant in and for my life, and how I am trying to live and grow beyond the label.

Valerie Anselme: Would you change your flaw?

Elizabeth Auguste: With mood disorders come a loss of sense of self. You don't know whether you're actually excited or if it's your mania, or you can't tell why suddenly you feel like crying all the time. BD coupled with anxiety issues caused me to forget what being centered felt like for a long (long) time, so much so that I didn't know how to get back to being me.

They're not pretty, but every day these scars remind me of where I was, and where I never want to be again. They're a reminder to say grounded and focused, and to do everything I can not to lose myself again. I know they'll fade, and so will the pain I still carry around with me. One day, I won't need a reminder. For now, though, I don't mind it.

A poem I wrote is below. The formatting is my own, and if possible, should stay the way it is written here. Thanks :)

14

I

I bleed and it feels like it should feel like victory

My veins (blue, empty, bloated vessels) burn

phoenix-like, waiting for rebirth.

I will set you free, I say

But it is not soon enough and my blood boils under this

too thin skin and every beat of my heart fails and I die

from death to death through long sharp cursed lives

in this ruthless body. My wounds open and close like mouths.

II

My scars stare back at me if I stare at them too long.

My heart pulses under these stinging lines and I know

I will feel them always.

The newer- the newest, they

bore tunnels into my dreams

(dreams in which dizzying red hearts bleed)

and underneath I see my soul rising.

The older are fading into memory, that I may keep them

as relics of a shattered delusion.

III

When my temporary ripple-like existence chooses to fade

they shall still be etched into my skin-

a reminder to all lonely dreamers caught in the confusion,

bleeding to feel victorious.

To them I say, I say,

this is not freedom