Journal Entry from November 20, 2017

I should've gone to sleep earlier last night, and definitely gotten up earlier. I slept too long, remembered too many dreams in succession and this morning I have a cough. &

I have found school to be a safe haven for me. Now, my job takes that place- even just now as I was struggling to breathe I thought of how I was glad that I had prepared at the cost of time getting to work to pack my inhaler, grateful that I had it, and grateful I had decided to leave it at work because it will always be near, and I reasoned that I could go every day. But imagine that I could empty out another part of my bag so it wasn't so heavy? I could carry the emergency pack with me. I also feel stronger. 

I wonder what it would be like to see one of my clients on the train. I'll be driving soon I feel. When things in mind come to light, I feel such a rush of productivity, effectiveness. I am better able to think about what other things I need, what other areas I need to improve in to make my day better. But think: WaHY all of the grumble this morning? What of the anxiety and dreams? The sadness? I seem to get the order of operations mixed up, so I need to be closer attention and be less nervous, there is something that will surprise me today, if not about this, than about something else I'm sure, like just now how I realized that I was typing without really knowing what I was writing but then it ended up better than what I'd originally planned to write. 

I feel like I need to read larger literature. Literally larger- words, font maybe, length. God is teaching me some things about my personal etiquette and preferences

I got stuck on that word because someone got on the train and my stomach is sick to look up to them. A familiarity clutches me. I don't think I instantly feel that way about most people- I think this person in particular reminds me of my manager- the look, the swag, 

I have theories about child care and I think that I'm glad that I can speak as a single person, a former teacher. 

I also seem to listen to emergency notices and sit in emergency seats, I'm really contemplating paramedic training next, I feel like a surgeon. I cut an arm clean off in a dream I had this morning.

I read the paper to pray