'Still in all things'?: The stillness beyond the bad

When did stillness-- get lost in yoga? It's not meditation- that sounds deadly, like what happens when a burp gets stuck and you're squinting and you have a headache. Meditation feels like trying to ignore all of that- squeeze by into a portal  away from all of the stuff.

But sometimes l when I'm typing, I fall into this quiet. It's usually quick- a few words or so, and if I practice and study and stay humble I find this quiet place. It's sudden, and it's an active place but ordered; it's a skill, and if I'm not ready, it'll take me under.

I made a typo in the last sentence earlier and I came back to fix it, which felt like meditation, but only because the fear about it kept telling me that I could have more easily made it correct when I was writing it the first time, even though I know that correction is good.

But in the moment I'm thinking about having to retype to think about new thoughts, and that those things were bad. And then I find that I'm thinking a whole many other thoughts like "What about when I'm out in the world, will I get typo-caught?" And on and on. <- (This is not stillness.)

When I'm under a physical influence these feelings get worse. Under drugs, and even some medications and gross hormonal surges, it's harder to be still. I came back and thought about mental stillness, which, if you don't have it, feels like the opposite of freedom. And then I thought about 'spiritual stillness', knowing that I'm needed in another time and space, and what it means to get a glimpse behind the veil, behind the curtain, to be able to look behind the green screen. When we're still we get to know things that are beyond the noise.

But all of these types of stillness, and I still (haha) hadn't explained nearly the 10th of them. Alternatively, look how the word 'like' quivers. I know that I thought that stillness-- was only listening. But the phrase "stillness in all things" has all of those words in it, and so stillness can also manifest as looking back at what I wrote to make sure that it hadn't been written in fear. That meant looking past my fear of finding typos to fend off my fear of being typo-caught. They cancel each other out, which felt freeing, but I still also am always making other mistakes- so realizing that it'll be practice for a long time helps me breathe. This feels also like how maybe the toll system on highways used to work. The system is now corrupted, but I might do a segment on it.

You see, what if I knew that the conception of a thing was not its end? What if I knew about the morphing, if I believed in change? What if typos weren't bad, but I would practice to avoid them, fix them when I saw them, oath to make them better, what more could I do?

Wonderfully, being still (read: activity, 'being' is a verb.) even means that if I was ever going to play soccer, it would require stillness to even (a cool word) imagine what it would be like to play soccer.

We're not supposed to say everything that comes to mind (rule), and I'm definitely still learning the skill. It's part of why I go back and edit, and read again and again- we're also meant to self-correct. There are ways that we have learned that are efficient and well. But sometimes we know how to eat but we don't because in the moment, we didn't go still- and maybe we missed an opportunity to self-correct.

I just did it- I'm hungry so I had two packages of snacks and I keep thinking about Burger King. And just as I'm not going to say everything, I also can't eat everything. And interestingly, stillness is also the only way to keep track of it all: what to eat, where to go, who to marry, what to do, how to pray, where to sit on the bus sometimes- everywhere where fear could possibly be needs stillness.

And so on- think about how many places stillness can be. Even thinking about it for me takes mental determination, pulling from where I know, knowing that and what I don't know, listening, and any other actions needed, along with the word today, stillness. If I quiet myself past what I knew, beyond what I hear, there it was.

Action + fear (current)
(Want) action + stillness (or clarity, or practice, so on, etc.)

How to turn fear to stillness? Silence.

In this case, I'm typing- I'm editing this post. But I want it to be the best, so  writing and editing, they require silence. I'm often still left with a feeling of wistfulness or nausea, thinking about loss, what I've left, not just when I delete words, but also what it means that I'm taking words out  of this essay- which is basically  a list of thoughts. I'm saying when I delete, "I'm no longer going to think about x", and the thought becomes: 'everything I know I need to leave'. Like the word like- it just makes my heart feel weird. I'll look it up later. I definitely (and God reminds me every day) don't know everything.

The surrender is in the strength. The strength is in the surrender. Weakness humiliates us for more reasons than we could ever see.

Keep faith-ing,
We'll talk soon.

In grace and kindness, provided by G.O.D., He's definitely in the building.

Psalm 37:1-15

1Do not fret because of those who are evil

or be envious of those who do wrong;

2for like the grass they will soon wither,

like green plants they will soon die away.

3Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

6He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

7Be still before the Lord

and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret—it leads only to evil.

9For those who are evil will be destroyed,

but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

10A little while, and the wicked will be no more;

though you look for them, they will not be found.

11But the meek will inherit the land

and enjoy peace and prosperity.

12The wicked plot against the righteous

and gnash their teeth at them;

13but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he knows their day is coming.

14The wicked draw the sword

and bend the bow

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose ways are upright.

15But their swords will pierce their own hearts,

and their bows will be broken.